I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
