We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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