Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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