Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
