The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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