New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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