I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
