I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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