Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
