Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
