The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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