So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
