Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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