I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize