im drinking this country out of the recession.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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