Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
