1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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