my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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