If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
