Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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