Got a toothbrush?
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Pants 0. Shit 1.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
