come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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