I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
