I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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