are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
