hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize