I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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