I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
