it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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