I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize