so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The air was thick with penises
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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