sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
