News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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