I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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