I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
God, I missed his penis.
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