sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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