sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
should my penis look like a turkey
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
