i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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