we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Success! We fucked roommates!
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