How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
