I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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