once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
