Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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