Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
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