why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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