I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
