first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
mondays should just be called national damage control day
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
