I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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