So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
