Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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