My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
