watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
