I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
