That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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