Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
