It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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