Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
