I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
