there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
