I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
